Chardonnay

Who doesn't know Chardonnay? Who doesn't like Chardonnay? Well, I don't and in this post I am just going to explain why.

Chardonnay is a very common wine, but it is in fact the name of the most popular and possibly the most versatile grape in the world. The Chardonnay grape is so popular because it is easy to grow – that is probably why so many grape producers champion it.

Chardonnay grapes grow in a wide range of conditions all over the world. In California it is the most widely planted white grape. It can grow in cool damp conditions and in hot arid regions. Chardonnay has a propensity for acid and glycerin, which is responsible for giving it a velvety texture – this is what is important in this type of grape. Some argue that it is also so popular because it has little indigenous character of its own and instead displays the characteristics of the soil and climate where it is grown. In France it is a key ingredient in Champagne and is the grape in Chablis. In Spain it is used to make Cava. Another Chardonnay often sited as worth trying is the Jean Rijckert Macon-Villages. To put it in 00's business terminology: flexibility, adaptability and integrated character are the key words that characterize the wide usage of chardonnay. (most of the info is copy-paste from Wikipedia and googling)

I have yet to try a Chardonnay that I like.

Upper class readers might think, "well you probably can’t afford one" and their point will be absolutely valid. But exactly here comes the contradiction with Chardonnay's success, which is also the reason why I am so passionately against it and all that it stands for.

It is not a coincidence that Chardonnay became the most popular white wine in the 1990s, the decade when mass consumption hit unprecedented levels in Europe, America and East Asia, adding a new -ism to our everyday vocabulary, consumerism.

The middle class enjoying more access to money than ever has pursued 'class'. Chardonnay combines a name with a high degree of recognition, one that can be used to communicate messages about one's ‘taste’ and class; it has a theatrical quality, since in order to pronounce it right you need to add a French "rrr" which implies that you may speak French -still the ultimate indicator of proper middle class upbringing along with piano lessons- but without actually risking being asked about being a francophone or not, a question that, in most cases, will cause the embarrassment of either part; it is the favorite wine of “celebrity” (pause to puke) chefs; and is in abundance in any supermarket you choose to go to.

And this is where the problem lies. Unless you are willing to spend above 50 Euros (49,9999 Pounds ;-)) and you really know how to choose your liquor, the Chardonnay you will get will most probably be shit. The finesse and style one is assuming when suggesting having a Cha"rrr"donnay never lasts after the first sip. The result is that we end up with shit wine in our glasses; what is worse, we are forced to pretend it is good in order not to reveal our poor judgment and lack of familiarity with wines.

To throw some Adam Smith in the text, the process begins with the "consumer" (since you are nothing else but a spineless bloodsucker) wanting to drink wine. The wines available are completely unknown so in order to preserve the 'class' impression the middle class consumer will go for the easy solution, Chardonnay. This is the demand side. The "offer" side is that being as versatile and easy to grow as it is, the cellars of wine makers are full with Chardonnay wine which needs to be sold to the class seeking idiots, us. The consequence is 600 different kinds of "Chardonnay" dominating the wine section of supermarkets. Those wonderful white pinot grigio, simple dry, and house wines are hard to find among the hordes of chardonnays invading from California, Chile, South Africa, Australia etc.

So, to conclude, what we have is a partially premeditated conspiracy to hypocrisy between the consumer, the producer and the "pimps" (supermarkets etc) to promote bad taste dressed as finesse; to promote satisfaction and “pleasure” through the consumption of shit. Chardonnay is the epitome not only of the sell-out of taste to consumption, but of the redefinition of taste to fit consumption, that is the battle cry of the vulgar materialism of our times.


Disclaimer: The author is not spending more that 15 euros on a bottle of wine, unless when dining with very specific company, so no I am not a smart ass loaded with money, who can afford drinking good wines. Also, my personal experience comes only from a few European (and European-looking) countries and China, so I -proudly- confess guilty to the crime of generalizing.